So I was reading a magazine, and there was an article titled ‘How to Look Rich…Even When You’re Not’. I’ve been buying these things for years and they’ve never had anything close to this useful in them. Usually it’s just 101 great tips to make your cat love you, or a complete guide to the beginnings of electronica-synth-rock in the 1960s. Now, something truly useful!
The first step is to buy a tiny dog that fits in a handbag, so…I’m skipping to number 2: tinted windows, everywhere. Just…tint everything. Wear sunglasses, tint the windows of your home, go totally crazy in your tinting crusade. I’ll be on the lookout for the best company to sort out my residential window tinting. Melbourne has plenty of building that have tinting so it shouldn’t be too difficult to find the best. They’re ready to make your tinting dream a reality, so says the article.
Look, actually, this makes a lot of sense. Wearing sunglasses all the time means that you have all the power. Nobody can see your eyes, and sometimes they’re so strong that YOU can’t see anything, thus making you that much more cut off from the modern riff-raff. Now I’m thinking about what it’d be like if I got tinted windows all around my house. Nobody could see in, whereas I could be looking out at them all, laughing at my immense authority and perceived wealth. It’s also great for privacy, and rich people love that stuff. Just…walls everywhere. Walls and cameras, which seems silly because they could save a lot of time and money just by getting some residential window tinting in there.
I’m also loving the thought of having my windows tinted at work, and ONLY my windows. I’ll tell the boss that it’s to do with productivity and boom, commercial window tinting for me, handing me all the power and style. And…affluence. Well, everyone at work will think so, and I can definitely fool myself. That’s what it’s about, right?
They say the fitness trend only took off in the early 2000s, but I’m a little bit older and I can tell you that it’s been around for decades longer than that. Just because protein powder can now taste quite nice instead of being beige slop doesn’t mean we didn’t know how to keep fit before then.
Oh, I remember ignoring ALL that fitness advice through my teens and twenties, even though I bought the fitness magazines. Maybe I thought that just the act of buying them was going to bulk me up a bit, but instead…well, here I am in an oxygen chamber.
I had no idea I was in such poor shape. I’ve known about the hyperbaric oxygen chamber treatments in Melbourne for ages, but I always assumed they were for the very elderly, or maybe people recovering from sports injuries. Maybe people who inhaled too much smoke for one reason or another. And the only reason I’m here at all is because I was trying to do a nice thing. I saw a girl getting her handbag snatched, then my legs were just moving by themselves. Guess I have a hidden heroic streak, because I was tearing down the road trying to get it back. Eventually the guy hastily grabbed a few things from it- not her purse, fortunately- and dumped the bag, but I didn’t really know what happened afterwards because I was being loaded into an ambulance with severe breathing difficulties and an oxygen mask across my face.
I mean, it’s pretty nice. I could get used to hyperbaric medicine. Melbourne is pretty well-equipped in that regard. But still, I’m sick to death of being so unfit that I can’t even sprint a short distance, and if anything is an inciting incident, it’s this. Guess it’s back to buying those fitness magazines and getting into the basics. Slowly. With caution. I’m not twenty-five any more…
And so this is Christmas. And what have we done? Another year over. A new one just begun.
Well, not yet…we have to get through Christmas first. Shopping is basically done; just have to print off a few gift certificates and maybe wrap them for a laugh. They won’t look like the most impressive under the tree, but big things come in small packages. That’s what Dad used to say when he was experimenting with dynamite in the back garden. Didn’t actually manage to save up for his prosthetic spine this year, but he gets around in his wheelchair just fine.
‘Experiences’, they say. ‘Experiences’ are better than ‘things’. So while all my presents to the family seem total lame this year, from a gift-wrapping point of view, they’re all amazing. Vaughn is getting a track racing experience, of course. Easiest of them all. Mum is going to a spa, but specifically not one where they play zen music or try to unlock your chakras. Kelly is an interesting one. There are all these dry needling courses taking place in Christchurch…you’ve probably heard of them, causing a bit of a stir, or so they say. My sister has been saying for ages that she doesn’t feel like massage therapy is her calling. Bit of a daring present, buying someone a place on a course that they might not even like. But that’s ALL presents. You don’t know if a person likes it before they open the present. You don’t even know AFTER. They always smile and say thanks, even if they’re thinking about the most efficient way to get rid of it.
But Kelly has the hands of surgeon. I think she’d be a great dry needler. Mum will be happy that Kelly is doing something mystical rather than scientific, she might be able to do something about all those sporting injuries Vaughn keeps getting, and a trigger point dry needling course isn’t THAT different to massage therapy.
That just leaves Dad. He can’t do much. The cinema membership should keep him entertained, though.
Halloween is really becoming a popular thing in Australia. All the supermarkets are going nuts with Halloween advertising and spooky displays. Television starts airing all the scary stuff and Halloween specials. And then there are all the little kids who come knocking on your door. Reminds me, I need to go out and get some lollies for them, because I am NOT having another year where they all come knocking and I just awkwardly stare at them until they leave.
That said, from what I’ve seen of America, it seems like people just use Halloween for whatever they like, so long as there’s a slightly off-kilter tilt. There’s a ‘Halloween’ careers expo at my tafe, but it’s really just an opportunity for all the slightly-lesser known careers to show their stuff. Like, when did trigger point dry needling courses become so popular? They’re basically the crowning centrepiece of the whole expo. I guess Melbourne really likes its sport, and they’re related to sport in many ways, but I hear there are needling courses in Auckland and they’re just as popular.
I don’t know. I don’t think there is anything wrong with it, though; I find the whole thing pretty intriguing. It LOOKS pretty spooky, especially with the needles sticking out of a person, but I guess that’s just medicine in general. It’s really interesting how just the act of sticking needles in a person can trigger…points, I guess? And it loosens you up and makes you feel better.
Good thing I’m manning a stall at the expo, because I might actually learn something. I’m at the table for cosmetic tattooing, so it’s not like I’m going to get swamped anyway. Maybe I’ll slip out early, go and see what these dry needling courses are all about. Which actually means I don’t need lollies, because I’ll be out that night. Great, my house is getting egged.