Today as I was running through my yoga sequence in the hallway, when I stopped short mid pose. All my hard earned calm breath evaporated in my lungs as I watched a tiny, pale ant make its way across a groove in the floorboards. It went up the wall and out of sight. I stared on in open mouthed horror, as another, and another and another followed.. I no longer felt calmed and centered. I felt terrified and enraged, and flinging open the hallway door, ran to the phone book, tracing my finger down the business listings for pest control, Frankston.
Within fifteen minutes I’d secured an appointment with termite control. Frankston didn’t have a reputation for termites, I’d never heard of anyone in the area having to deal with them… I started to panic that our beloved home of ten years had been singled out by the wee varmints. Visualising the utter horror that surely my whole family now faced, I knew that before long we’d be waking up in a pile of sawdust.
Thank god the Pest Control Officer knew exactly what he was doing, and could offer me some reassurance too. Not only was I wrong to assume no one in the area had dealt with them before, but I was so relieved to find out that if I followed the officer’s instructions carefully and didn’t interfere with the treatment, that we’d enjoy termite free-lives for up to ten years.
Now, I believe in a long and happy life for all creatures. I don’t like to kill anything that deserves to live but I’m not going to pay off my the roof over my head just to have a bunch of ants eat through the roof. I signed off on the control methods and felt an immediate wave of relief wash over me – right back into my favourite yoga position knowing that apart from termites, all is well with the world.
Not sure how I’m feeling. I’m feeling…several things at once. Angry. Jubilant. Ambivalent. Hungry. That last one is mostly because I’m still waiting for my pizza pockets to finish heating up, though. Soon, my delicious parcels of cheesy flavour. Soon, we shall be together.
But nah, seriously, ‘Week of Our Lives’ just went somewhere I could not have expected: science fiction. Well, kind of. So you all remember how Hugh just got engaged Annie, who owns Realsville’s greatest industry: pest control. Dandenong made an appearance, both because of THEIR pest control and also because Annie secretly had plans to take her pest control monopoly worldwide and become the Extermination Queen. Now, this complicated things for Hugh, because his mum was a fortune teller and on her deathbed she TOLD him the prophecy of the Extermination Queen. He brushed it off like all the other things she predicted, but now he’s actually engaged to the one his mother told him would destroy the termite inspection industry through her mad ambition to unite all of it under one banner.
Now, Hugh doesn’t know if he fully believes it, but after they took a trip to the lemur sanctuary, he’s pretty close to the truth. Annie said something offhand about pest control needing to really get in there and do some work, since it wasn’t really clean and some of the lemurs had fleas. Then he noticed…everywhere she walked, there were dead insects. Pest control follows her around, like a plague. Can he truly love one whom he is destined to destroy? Can the prophecy be averted? Are Frankston’s termite control agents really THAT fast in their response, because wow, they were really booking in that one scene where Claire found termites in the abandoned fun house and she gave them a call. Got there in four seconds flat. TV could be lying to me, but…that never happens.
Pretty sure I just lost my job to a machine. They didn’t TELL me that, but I’m not stupid. I know the supermarket just bought a bunch of those new self-serve checkouts from Lawrence Corp, the ones that can make casual, breezy conversation and don’t start screaming at you when you put an unscanned item in the bagging area. They said we’d just be moved to other positions, but really, what does that even mean? It means I’m out of a job, as of tomorrow.
What’s even safe any more? I hear they’re trialing a new robot that does pest control in Rosebud. Don’t know why Rosebud, but whatever. Anyway, if you thought pest control was a job that requires some finesse, you’d probably be right. Had an uncle who tried it for a few weeks. I think he confused some chemicals and decided that it wasn’t for him. There’s a lot of different things to think about; not something that you can just step into. I wouldn’t trust my pest control needs to a hunk of metal. I want someone with years of experience, not programmed knowledge.
Supposedly, this new robot is designed to seek out ant and termite infestations and alert people as to the depth of the problem. So unlike these checkouts, they can’t do a pest controllers entire job. But still…it continues to creep onwards, this technology. First it’s just detecting termites. Then it’s given the ability to engage in witty banter. Then it gets arms so it can carry things, a face to make it more user friendly, you equip it with pest control chemical materials, and then boom…it’s doing the entire job. Every single person who does termite inspections in Mornington to Berwick and beyond is replaced by robots! And they all repeat the same 23 witty phrases, over and over again. Resist the mechanisation! Keep pest control free!